Kate's Diary (The Truth) PART 3/News of the World

I had a “moment” while we were having lunch. I saw a woman who looked pregnant and I began to think about when I was pregnant with Sean and Amelie. And then it hit me. (Kate then remembers a touching scene from the past.) Madeleine was coming to visit us later that evening, the look of wonder on her face, and afterwards she got in beside me in bed. She was and is so adorable—a real jewel, a real gift. And I painfully miss her.

At around 18.00 went to church. It was good... there was nobody else there. Later Gerry turned up and joined me and we went down as far as the rocks on the beach and talked a little about Madeleine. But I began to feel slightly pessimistic and fearful. Please, my God, prove to us that we are not wrong. But I was feeling worse. Please, my God, let this have a happy ending.

I have been thinking a lot about you today, Madeleine. I am so worried and frightened for you. I can only hope that God has you in his hands and brings you back to us soon. Please, my God, help us, help Madeleine.

We love her and we need her so much, and she loves us and needs us. Please, please, please make it so that we have some good news soon. Good night darling. I love you. (I can hardly wait to say “See you tomorrow.”) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

THURSDAY, JULY 12: I hate the person who took my Madeleine—the same one who has caused all this trouble, who made us feel worthless and mistrustful and mainly who has frightened my beautiful Madeleine. I will never forgive that person/those people for this. Never.

Today I washed the Cuddle Cat (Madeleine’s favourite soft toy and a constant comfort to heartbroken Kate). I was hoping not to have to do it until Madeleine returns, but it was now quite dirty and smelly, unfortunately without the smell of Madeleine on it. XX

TUESDAY, JULY 17: Finding it very difficult to talk to people from home, unless they are directly involved. It is difficult to show an interest in other people’s lives and children at the moment. I know it sounds horrible, selfish and egocentric, but at the moment I can only think about Madeleine. I don’t want to hear about anyone having babies or getting pregnant (mainly because it was all so very difficult for us). I’m worried about turning into a bitter, angry woman, that would be horrible. Please God bring Madeleine back and let this nightmare end.

Please don’t let our lives be destroyed by this. Please don’t let them hurt Madeleine.

Earlier today I found Amelie in our room looking at photos of Madeleine and she said: “I miss my sister. Where’s my sister?”

I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t realise Amelie’s vocabulary and use of words was so good. I just said: “I miss her too. We’ll find her soon.” What a little sweetheart!

She then turned her attention to something else.

We took turns jumping into the water with the kids, which was great fun. After a DVD and a story it was the twins’ bedtime which didn’t take too long tonight. Madeleine, we are all with you darling.

Keep strong, be patient, we’ll keep on going till we find you. I love you so much. We hope and pray we’ll see you soon.

Goodnight, my darling. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 18: It was suggested that Madeleine is dead and buried in an area close to the beach, behind the cliff.

What can I say? I feel my body’s on the verge of collapse. How much pain and emotion can one body take? I had a bad afternoon. I was very worried, desperate, extremely on edge. I don’t think I can take any more of this, I really can’t. How much longer will this suffering go on? I need Madeleine ALIVE.

SATURDAY, JULY 21: I continue to feel very low. I miss Madeleine so much. It’s as if a ray of light has disappeared from my life. There’s no doubt that Madeleine is that ray and I miss her more than words can say.

We just wrote our blogs/diaries. Once again those dark thoughts returned, linked with feelings of anxiety, fear and worry. How much longer will we have to cope with this pain?

My poor, poor Madeleine. Why, Lord? My heart aches with so much love for you, Madeleine. I just hate being without you.

(Kate then relives the last time they saw Madeleine in the Ocean Club apartment.)

If I could go back in time, I would. I have clear recollections of that night. You were so tired. After your baths, you sat on my knee and put my wedding ring on your finger. We (me, you, Sean and Amelie) read “Mog” in the living area and then “if you’re happy and you know it”. We all sat down on your bed.

Then you counted the squares on the last page. You were always counting things on pages...always laying your head on your pillow at the same time every night. Madeleine you make me so happy. I just want you home. I love you so much. XXXXXXX

MONDAY, JULY 23: I got up at 7.00 and went running. I was surrounded by a pack of dogs (more or less 12)—it really wasn’t a nice experience. I went to the flat, high part of the cliff as I felt really alone and a little frightened. Please God, don’t let Madeleine be buried here. Please God, make sure she’s alive. Please God, bring her back quickly to us.

I took S and A to the Kids’ Club at 9.45 then I went to church to pray a little on my own.

Every single moment of happiness with Sean and Amelie, who are both so delightful, is mixed with deep sadness. All I want is Madeleine to be safe and happy again.

Baths, stories and some bedtime chaos from Sean and Amelie before I finally put them to bed at 21.15.

I spent some time on the internet reading about Sarah Payne (Roy Whiting), Eliz. Smart (Brian Mitchell) and the Peter Voisey case (he abducted a six-year-old girl from the bath in North Tyneside). Really horrible.

Night, night sweetheart. I’m trying to be positive. I need to be because I need to believe that you’re going to come back to me, so I can go back to being truly happy. I love you XXX.

TUESDAY, JULY 24: Sean and Amelie had lots of fun in the Jacuzzi—laughter galore! Carrot sticks and crisps were had by all at teatime.

Oh, darling Madeleine. It pains me to think of you—it causes me such sorrow and I have no idea how you feel. I pray to God that you are well, that you are not hurt. I pray that God keeps you safe and sound and that you’re not afraid, nor in pain.

Please God, answer my prayers and please, please, please bring Madeleine back to us very soon, for our own happiness. Please God.

Madeleine, sweetheart, I love you so much. I can’t stop saying it. Night, night darling. We will keep hoping and having faith in God. XXXXXXX.

Restless
WEDNESDAY, JULY 25: I received some bad news last night. A friend has breast cancer and has just received her first dose of chemotherapy following surgery. Horrible. I will include her in my prayers.

At around 15.30 I went for a run. I had begun to feel restless and worried about Madeleine. It was hot and hard work, but I felt better for having gone.

We returned at around 18.15—the children’s dinner and baths, our dinner.

(and the children’s once again!).

Madeleine, sweetheart, you are the most important thing, the only thing that matters. Words cannot describe how I feel about you nor how restless, tormented, alone, sad and incomplete I feel.

I will continue to hope and pray that you come back to us soon but I don’t want to think about how good it would be to feel something like that—not yet, at least.

I love you so, so much darling. I remember sitting watching you through the glass window when you were having your swimming lessons on a Saturday morning. There you were with your yellow swimsuit, ever so pretty and you were smiling and waving at me, and the tears rolled down my face!

I was and am still so proud of you, Madeleine, and my love for you is never-ending. I can’t stop saying how much I love you dearly. I’m going to try and stay strong for you and you have to do the same. You know we love you and we are going to keep going until we find you again.

All my love, Madeleine. Night, night. Sleep well. May God protect you. XXXXX.

SATURDAY, JULY 28: I got up at 7.30 after a late and disturbed night of sleep.

At around 16.20 we had a dip in the Jacuzzi. Sean and Amelie loved it. After tea I went to the small church. I was a little tearful.

It’s really hard for me not to worry about the small things. I wonder does anyone brush her teeth? She looks so happy in that photo taken on that last day.

I know I’m repeating myself but I can’t stop myself from saying how much I love you, Madeleine. I’ll say it as many times as I need to. You’re so, so special. XXXXX.

TUESDAY, JULY 31: (The day before police seized the diary) I got up early after another late and very disturbed night.

I dropped by the church. I feel better after these short conversations.

I cooked my first meal (since they took Mad- eleine!!) for dinner tonight.

Please God—make me right. Please God—protect her. Please God—bring her back to us soon!

Night, night Madeleine, by dearest little angel. My sweetheart, my darling, my love, my companion. I love you more than anything. Lots of hugs my darling. I’m going to dream that I’m lying by your side—moments I’ll always cherish and I long to have again.

Sweet dreams my little one. Be strong. Mummy XXXXX.

Pope was so gentle and so sincere
DEVOUT Catholic Kate’s nerves were on edge as she and Gerry prepared to meet the Pope at the Vatican on May 30.
On May 28 she wrote: “I felt somewhat concerned. This is going to be a little too much, I only want Madeleine back and to return to our normal life.”

Two days later her diary recalls: “Pope Benedict XVI arrived in his “pope mobile” waving to everyone. It immediately became clear that he recognised us. He took hold of our hands and he was so gentle, so sincere.

“I thanked him for having allowed us to be there with him. He said he would pray for us and that he would continue to pray for Madeleine and for her safe return. I gave him the photo of Madeleine—he blessed it (with the thumb)—something that we would be able to keep for ever. A shy man but very friendly.

“Very emotional, very positive, very important—charming.

“Please, God, bring back to us little Madeleine. We love her so much and we miss her so much. Please Lord, help us to be united once again shortly as a family.

“Later on, Clarence (Foreign Office family liaison) told me that, before that (meeting the Pope), a butterfly had flown above and had landed on the bow on my hair.

“Following on, it left, but it came back and landed on my lapel. An omen, we hope.”

FRIDAY, JUNE 22: I miss Madeleine loads and that’s a real understatement. Sometimes I think I must have done something so bad. (Then Kate recalls the IVF treatment she needed to get pregnant) It was so difficult and painful ‘trying’ to have Madeleine and now this!!!

Why??? Bad luck??? A sick joke??? And then I think I don’t want to think about me—I’m an adult, but Madeleine, dear, sweet, vulnerable, beautiful Madeleine... and I just feel like screaming. WHY?

Dear Lord, I continue to ask, continue to hope, continue to try to have faith in You. Please help us. Put an end to this nightmare. Please help Madeleine. PLEASE LORD.

Unbearable
Madeleine, I love you with all my heart. You are part of my being and I will never feel whole without you. I hope and pray for the day, hopefully soon, when we will be reunited and together again FOREVER. I miss you so much. I need you. I love you. XXXXXXXXXXX

SATURDAY, JUNE 23: I woke up after 7am hesitating (again!) about going running but eventually I built up enough enthusiasm to convince Gerry that we should go. He ran quite well and without a doubt it was worth us going.

Will we see her again one day? How can this end well now? She’s so precious. God I need you to do something soon. I’m so desperate and suffering so much.

This evening I felt quite low again. It’s the awful uncertainty, helplessness and worry. It’s really unbearable. I only want to be able to hide or hibernate until this is all over and Madeleine is back. Please make sure she’s OK.

The usual—dinner, a few drinks and emails. Good night. Good night my darling, longing to lie down...

SUNDAY, JUNE 24: Oh, Madeleine, I find the nights so difficult and only God knows how things are going to find you. I just want to say, once again, that you have been the most special and amazing thing that ever happened to me.

I’ve never felt such love for another person. I hope and I trust that God and Mary are protecting you and I only know that Dad and I and all your wonderful family and friends will continue to search for you, and we all long for the day when you will be back with us again— FOREVER! XX

Good night. Good night darling. I love you XXXXXXXX

TUESDAY, JUNE 26: I went for a short walk to the shops nearby. I had heard that there was a paedophile there. Nice, isn’t it?

If people informed us about these criminals of course we’d be more cautious and we’d feel safer!

Unfortunately I read two books of messages that had been delivered... There were three horrible ones. One from a former Met Police officer—very insensitive/ cruel and far from constructive! Another said “R.I.P. Maddie”—how appalling!

Well, not surprisingly I was very upset and I went out to the rocks on the beach. I cried a lot and spoke to Madeleine and to God. I was still not ready to go but Gerry was calling me. The police had arrived, as planned, at the apartment. I calmed down and went to the meeting with the police. Everything seems to be so slow. We finished at around 7pm so I went to be with the kids and tell them bedtime stories. I had dinner, had a few drinks despite having said I wanted it without alcohol!! We talked some more.

My darling Madeleine, I feel such fear and dread when I think of you. Every day and every night, it is TOO MUCH. I can only have hope and trust in God and Mary to look after you and bring you back to us soon.

I’m so sorry if I/we let you down. I hope you know how fond of you we are and that we would NEVER do anything intentionally that would put you in danger—of any kind. You are so precious to me. You make me so happy and I miss you so much. Please God, please Mary, keep watch over our sweet Madeleine. Keep her safe and sound and bring her back to us soon! X X

MONDAY, JULY 2: (The day the McCanns had to move from the Ocean Club apartment to a rented house.)

I started to put everything in the suitcases and then I took S and A to the Kids’ Club around 09.20 and then I came back to pack the cases. We moved everything to the house around 10:30. Although now I think that it is a good thing to move to the house—with a bit more privacy—everything feels wrong and painful without Madeleine. I cannot believe that this has happened. She is so loving and I desperately want her back. Sean and Amelie appeared very excited about the “new house” especially with regard to their room. After lunch on the terrace, Gerry filled the Jacuzzi with cold water and the children enjoyed themselves immensely in their “swimming pool”. I went to look for Chinese food for 4.

Oh dear Madeleine, where are you? Are you nearby? Please keep well and be strong, my little one. We are desperate to find you. We love you very much. You are so special. I long to give you the biggest hug in the WORLD!! I miss you so much. I love you so much my dear Madeleine.“

THURSDAY, JULY 5: I got up at 7.15. Gerry went for a run.

NOTHING is or will be as good again without Madeleine.

I am thinking about you a lot, dearest Madeleine, and praying a lot so that we find you soon—alive and unharmed.

Stay strong—you know that we all love you very very very much XXXXX.

FRIDAY, JULY 6: (The day a man was arrested in Holland for a cruel hoax intended to extort £1.3million from the McCanns in return for details of the kidnappers and Madeleine’s location.) I wrote my emails and finished our statement for when the story broke about the Dutch man’s extortion near lunchtime.

He’s 39, unemployed, says that he was bored and wanted to play with our emotions. b##tard. David Miliband (the new Foreign Secretary) phoned Gerry to offer support.

SATURDAY, JULY 7: We had breakfast and got the children ready as usual. At 10.30 the four of us went to the Algarve Shopping Centre.

The plan was to buy sandals and some other things for the children. However the journey was a disaster. We had to stop three times on the way there, since Sean and Amelie were crying alternately.

I began to Feel that it had been a wasted day, even though Sean and Amelie had some good goes in Noddy’s car and Popeye’s boat. The return journey was slightly more bearable.

THURSDAY, MAY 3: Milk and biscuits for the kids. I left them with this and books and games and went to have a quick shower/wash my hair. M (Madeleine) tired—sitting on my lap—I read the story of Mog (favourite children’s book).

Brush teeth. To the bedroom with the kids. M pulls away and puts her head on pillow. Kisses goodnight for M. Pulled the door to as far as possible without shutting it. Silence.

Dry hair. Put make-up on. Glass of wine. Restaurant.

(During dinner nearby with friends —dubbed the Tapas 7—the group took turns to check the children. At 10pm Kate discovers Madeleine gone. The McCanns and helpers frantically scour the area until 4am.)

FRIDAY, MAY 4: No sleep, Gerry and I started looking through the streets around 06.00 as it was starting to get light. Nobody around. Why not? Desperate.

Minutes seem like hours. Outside of the apartments masses of people asking questions about that night and for descriptions of Madeleine. Long day.

(Then Kate, Gerrry and their seven friends were taken to the Policia Judiciaria, or PJ, headquarters in nearby Portimao to give statements.)

Nobody from the police introduced themselves. Nobody offered us a drink or food. All the police dressed informally and smoking. No sympathy was shown and far from inspiring.

I believe my statement would have been around 15.00 and such. They allowed G (Gerry) to come in with me but seated behind me. Translator present.

The police officer who took us by car to the station was the one asking the questions and afterwards typed the answers on a typewriter. Morose.

We left the police station around 7.30pm to 8pm. After 15 minutes we received a call from the PJ saying we had to go back but they didn’t tell us why. We turned around and flew back at around 200 kilometres an hour. Once again frightening. Did they find her? Please God. Is she dead? Prayers. We arrived—they showed us a photo of a girl they’d forgotten to show us from the close circuit TV footage. Not M. Devastating.

SATURDAY, MAY 12: (Madeleine’s birthday) Madeleine is four years old. Day at resort with holiday group. Special Mass for Madeleine at 18.00 in Praia da Luz.

MONDAY, MAY 14: I slept well last night after a not very good end of the day, frustration with the FLO (Portuguese police family liaison officer) asking me where would my little M be.

I got up at 06.50. I dealt with some trifles and got myself ready for the statement to the press at 08.00.

I tried to put on a slightly more presentable and “healthy” air. Gerry again gave a great performance.

Following on we answered about four questions. I almost responded to the first one asking how we were, but I didn’t. I did answer a question on our possible return home. I replied that obviously I didn’t even think about that. Anyway, it seemed to have gone well. After breakfast and our having left S and A, (twins Sean and Amelie, then aged two) we went to church to pray in silence. Very good, calming.

After getting back I decided to go running—for the first time since THE day (already 11 days ago). I knew that it was going to be physically difficult, but I also knew that I wasn’t going to give up, because it was for Madeleine and also because the level of pain is far higher now.

No cameras or journalists, which was great. I went running towards the beach and then along it and again climbed that hill so steep —without stopping! (I carried a photo of M in my hand to keep me going.) On the last hill past the tennis courts my legs completely weak, but I managed to keep myself walking. I managed to reach the apartment then time to stop—to think—I felt really quite calm.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23: Gordon Brown (then Chancellor and PM in waiting) called and spoke with Gerry -very kind and giving encouragement.

Feeling a bit emotional afterwards.

SATURDAY, MAY 26: We went to an amusement park with the kids. Some phone calls, emails etc. Not a very good day for either the two of us—some dark thoughts/ frustrations/ desperation creeping in. Some tears.

(Then in a moving little message to Madeleine) I love you so much XXX

SUNDAY, MAY 27: Clarence (Clarence Mitchell, Foreign Office family liaison at the time) spoke to us about a possible trip to the Vatican. It seems that it really is going to happen—main story on the news!

Spoke to Dad. I went for a walk to the beach with Sean and Amelie. Frozen. Beach—slippery, wet feet.

We all had dinner when we got back to the apartment.

We have to keep looking. We have to find you beloved xxxxx.

(Kate signed off the day’s entry by drawing a heart with “I LOVE MADELEINE” inside.)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 30: (After trip to see Pope detailed above) The kids went to bed again around 9pm!!! Low point of tonight—becoming desperate/without hope because of the lack of information. They are acting like they have no leads at all. Very worried.

Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Madeleine was taken. Four weeks since we saw our special little girl. We are not certain that we will ever see her again, but know that we have to keep up our hope and strength—for the others, at least. Exhausted.

I love you so much, Madeleine. You must come back! X

FRIDAY, JUNE 1: Quite fed up...I can’t stop thinking about Madeleine, about her fear of pain. How can I go on knowing that her life could have ended like this?

This week I have been quite overtaken by black thoughts. Please, God, bring her back.

Bedtime is becoming more and more of a challenge.

SATURDAY, JUNE 2: I can’t remember today (which is now yesterday!). The morning was spent doing paperwork. I wrote a letter to JK Rowling, asking for her help in keeping M in the public eye. She has a new Harry Potter book which will come out in July. I asked if it would be possible to do something like a bookmark with M on.

An enjoyable afternoon—I never felt so relaxed. I felt it was wrong. S and A had fun and that was important. I also worried about what people might think, like “How can they manage to...?”

It seems that Sean is liking the beach more these days. We had tea in a nearby restaurant—good, despite still thinking that I had to do normal things without feeling guilty. We left around 7.30pm and the kids were completely exhausted.

Fed up again —poor M. Once again it took a long time before S and A were sorted. Finally went to church for 10 minutes.

Private worship (despairing!).

Cried again in bed—I can’t avoid it. I need her close to me. Thinking about her fear of pain breaks my heart. Thinking about paedophiles makes me want to tear at my own skin. Of course these people, like psychopaths, aren’t “normal” human beings.I was never in favour of the death penalty, but these people should be kept in a secure place. I wouldn’t even complain if it was in nice surroundings, but, certainly in the case of paedophiles always distanced from any type of contact with children.

Whose human rights are more important? Those of a paedophile or of a vulnerable, defenceless child?

TUESDAY, JUNE 5: Woke up relatively late again, around 7.30am, with a good morning wake-up call from S and A. Adorable!! I just wish it had been all three of them that came into the room. After a shower and breakfast, I took S and A to the Kids’ Club. I asked if they could make birthday cards for their Grandma and Gerry—today is his birthday but I had forgotten which is not surprising!

THURSDAY, JUNE 7: The Press conference went well. People are always asking how we are managing to cope, how we can manage to run a campaign, as if we are strange because we are able to appear calm and controlled and aren’t going under all the time. They know so little. Nobody should judge or criticise because, unless they have already been in this situation, they have NO IDEA how they would be and certainly NO IDEA how painful it is. NO IDEA AT ALL. I love you so much Madeleine xxxx

I can’t bear this. I can’t bear being without Madeleine. It’s like torture—a slow, painful death. I hope her suffering, if she is suffering, is much less. Please God.

SUNDAY, JUNE 17: Cherie Blair (then the Premier’s wife) phoned to find out how we were.

We talked about everything in general, including about them leaving Number 10. She agreed as well to make a 20-second video clip for our broadcast on YouTube about Madeleine and children who have disappeared.

I also had the chance to speak to Tony (then Prime Minister) who told me that we weren’t to hesitate to ask him if there was something he could do to help.

On Sky News tonight they suddenly said the Portuguese police had stated that the crime scene had been contaminated—because of us—and that fundamental evidence had been lost. How dare they insinuate that our daughter’s life could be put in danger because of us. Very angry. Very upset.

I want to speak to someone now, but it’s too late.

I changed my mind and I sent a text message to Ricardo (Portuguese police family liaison officer). I don’t know if was a sensible idea but I feel really annoyed.

My darling little Madeleine, you know that we wouldn’t do anything to put you in danger.

I love you very much and I am in agony right now.

I only have to hope that God helps us all now and that he brings you back to us, safe and sound, very soon.

I need you to come back Madeleine. You are the best thing in my life that has ever happened to me. XXXXX

I ended up feeling very upset. Everything overflowed. Terrified that we might not get Madeleine back. I simply cannot face that. Tears, despair, rage, helplessness. I spoke to Gerry, recited prayers. Please God, bring her back XX

I fell asleep after 1am.

MONDAY, JUNE 18: I spent a few lovely hours with Sean and Amelie building a sandcastle with a moat, getting big hugs from Sean, ice creams.

Shower, lovely meal and a little playtime with the kids.

(But as night closes in Kate’s anguish returns.)

I can’t stand living like this. It’s so painful and distressing. Dear Lord, PLEASE answer our prayers. PLEASE send Madeleine back to us. PLEASE.

I love you so, so much Madeleine, more than anything XXXXX.

TUESDAY, JUNE 19: Last night I didn’t manage to get to sleep until around 1am because I was so upset again. It’s so painful to be without Madeleine and I can’t stand to think that it could be like this forever. This simply cannot happen.

Good night, good night Madeleine,I’m longing to read you a bedtime story again. I love you my little darling X.


I’m longing to read you a bedtime story again. I love you my little darling X.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20: There is still no sign of Madeleine. I didn’t feel like it so I decided not to go running.

Went to pick up Gerry from the airport. It was so good to see him. Just before we reached the apartment we saw a man lying in the middle of the street, so we stopped the car and got out. It was no surprise to see that he was drunk (we’ve all been there!) but he recognised Gerry and me immediately. Gerry walked him round to his apartment.

THURSDAY, JUNE 21: I went to the church around 9.20pm to pray a bit by myself, in peace. I got a bit annoyed, I don’t understand why God doesn’t answer my prayers. I think I need a sign of some sort. I miss her so much. It is so painful and I don’t feel my life is complete and I won’t ever feel it is complete, if she doesn’t come home. Gerry came down later on to be with me.

Apart from a glass of wine, chocolate and this diary, there’s nothing much else to tell.

I LOVE YOU MADELEINE. GOOD NIGHT GOOD NIGHT X X X.

Vee I share your anger, I'm too emotional right now to comment, these abstracts are absolutely heart breaking. Please god, please answer this poor mothers prayers. My cheeks are sore from the salt in my tears, I just feel so bloody helpless.

Vee, for such people this is all about hate and blame.
If one day these people wake up and Madeleine is found, they will be proved comprehensively wrong but they still will not admit it, they will probably blame Madeleine for not escaping sooner.

These people are dregs Vee, nothing more than dregs of society, they pretend to be perfect, "perfect people", "perfect parents", "perfect employees", "perfect employers" etc etc but all the while they are really poor excuses for human beings, who see in this couple a chance to make themselves look better, when they know they are sorely lacking as kind caring compassionate people. They react to Kate and Gerry the way they do because they are jealous. This has nothing to do with Madeleine, it is all about these sick people being proved right the fact that this is never going to happen, the fact that with each passing day the truth is slowly emerging, and it is becoming clear not just how wronged Kate and Gerry were and are, but how badly Madeleine was let down, not only by the PJ but by all these sick people that suddenly found that defaming a grieving couple, filled a hole in their miserable lives and made them feel better about themselves and their own failings in life.

In the end they will discover that they simply cannot continue with this level of hate and vindictiveness, without it harming the very fabric of their own lives and the lives of their families. For proof of the damage hate can do you only have to look at Vile's and the 3 A's and other places and count the people that all this hate has claimed. People are actually having mental breakdowns and the other "haters" just cannot see it (or refuse to see it). Hate is so insidious that in the end it envelopes and over powers all in its path and it 'will' claim the instigators of this hate and they themselves will implode.

These people that can hate people they do not even know so easily, clearly display "stalkerish" mentalities. Morally bankrupt misfits and malcontents, they can be found ready, willing and able to just 'hate' at the mere drop of a hat. Suddenly they have discovered that they enjoyed defaming, lying and being downright malicious and malevolent towards people who are in great pain. There is a word for people like them, they are called 'sadists'.

It is no good trying to appeal to these people's better natures, they do not seem to have one they are perfidious, they feel they owe nothing to anyone or anything. Their behaviour is vile and deceitful and they know they are like this, yet they do not even worry about the harm they are inflicting upon their own loved ones, they are cold, calculating and eaten up with jealousy, spite and hatred. What these people live for is to see the objects of their hate (the McCanns) imprisoned and it matters not to them, if these people committed any crime or not, they do not care, they only care about being right and Madeleine has long been lost in these vengeful people's minds.

I find it staggering the level of hate this tragedy has evoked in some, it is as if some people have been living with a sea of hate seething away inside them just biding their time until they could band together to find a victim/s they could release it all on.

Really these people are so intrinsically and insidiously hate filled that they will be devoured by their own shortcomings, we should feel sorry for them, because they are truly lacking compassion and joy in their meaningless lives and this is very very sad, I would not wish this on anyone. One day they may finally wake up and realise what they have done and what they are doing and they may be shocked at their own often depraved thinking but it may be too late and they will mourn the complete waste of their lives that they allowed hate to just come along and take from them. In the end you have to pity people like this.

I believe in this. Karma.
I believe those who have tormented & persecuted this tragic couple .. those who have actively disrupted & interferred with the search for Madeleine .. & above all, those who stole her away that night .. will be given a huge dose of that cruelty & pain, gift-wrapped, in their own lives. It comes back to you .. just wait

Kate's diary was so painful to read .. but this is Her, the real Kate, as she always was and is. Kate is a mother in agony & torn apart with anquish .. those that continue to taunt this tragic couple, even now, must be such failures at life, so wicked, so ugly, so empty.

AARGHHH .. my serenity is going down the pan again ........

My very first thought upon reading these entries is that this poor woman has all this love for her child and she cannot channel it.
Love like this can physically hurt and the emptiness must be overpowering for her.

Many of us have felt that ache in your arms that isn't a real ache but it is there and can be strongly felt and the emptiness of a house when a youngster has finally fledged, "empty nest syndrome" what must this feel like for Kate?

It is hard to adapt when children grow and leave to begin their own journey in life but to have a child forcibly taken from you like this, what then? How does Kate cope with that and these feelings that will never let her alone until she finds Madeleine or discovers what happened to her beloved child?

Dear Kate,

Above all stay strong, your faith and your utter determination shines like a beacon for all those that know personal tragedy like yours. Your faith will be rewarded and Madeleine 'WILL' come home and through her and you others will be shown that it is OK to make mistakes, that we do as humans sometimes make the most appalling judgments, and catastrophic errors, what sets us aside after we have done this, is how we handle it and you and Gerry have been nothing but an inspiration to others while treading your lonely path, you offer hope and encouragement with your quiet dignity and your faith and it will be rewarded. "To err is human and to forgive IS devine" and remember too that you have to 'forgive' yourselves also.

"God does help those who help themselves" and through you, others who have been or are going through this nightmare, which must seem never ending will gain hope and encouragement. Forget all the doubters and the haters, they will have to answer to their own mistakes and shortcomings and the way they have allowed themselves to hate, you cannot do anything about them, your fight and determination and love is needed elsewhere. Make no mistake though, the good people who are willing you to continue your fight to find your beloved Madeleine, far outweigh the bad and the insane. We are with you every step of the way, "when you stumble we will steady you, when you trip, we will catch you, if you fall, we will help you get back up", in short we are here and we are not going anywhere until Madeleine is found and you have the peace of mind. Some more reasons for you both to take comfort in; Through Madeleine and yourselves, the sheer injustice of what has been done in the name of the law has been exposed in another case/s and hopefully some good will come from that and also through all of this the plight of other missing children has been made public and we are all more aware of the dangers and about what has happened to other children and to other families, this can only be for the good.

Rosie x :sendingulove:

Tinkerbell43 wrote:Vee I share your anger, I'm too emotional right now to comment, these abstracts are absolutely heart breaking. Please god, please answer this poor mothers prayers. My cheeks are sore from the salt in my tears, I just feel so bloody helpless.

I can really relate to your post Tinks. I had a rough night last night (you know why) and I came across these diaries in the online news and they really took what little wind I had in my sails, right out. I hardly slept a wink and finally dosed off as daylight was about to break. Even thinking and typing about the diaries right now, fills me with emotion, I feel like a volcano that is about to burst. Although they are absolutely heartbreaking, they do convey very powerfully some aspects of what this remarkable couple have been through and I salute them for their steadfastness and dignity throughout this truly horrifying experience.

One thing is for sure though Tinks - we will get to hear the real truth in due course and this is just a part of it, a trickle of what will be exposed when Kate & Gerry feel able to share it with us and feel that the time is appropriate. I have no doubt of that.

I don't believe it! I posted on the VM big Debates board, half an hour ago, that the vast majority of comments were in support of Kate and gerry, but I expect that now the 3a's will muster their ever shrinking army and swamp the page with negatives, and guess what? that's EXACTLY what happened! Using the same tactic a certain Austrian sock uses, posting under one name, then agreeing with it's self with another name! It is SO sad, and SO bl**dy obvious ! But the fact remains, the majority of the public support Kate and Gerry!

Anyway, too can play at that game, so everyone on here go and leave a message of support, under whatever name you like, as often as you like.

I cannot even bring myself to write a comment on this. I cannot find the right words.
May God Bless you Kate...and bring Madeleine home.

Like the rest of you, I was moved to tears by Kate's words. The sheer emotion as she yearns for her daughter is so real, so heartfelt, I can feel her emotions lifting from the printed word.

I never doubted that this was what she felt. I could see it in her face, her eyes, the way she carries herself. She is suffering such grief from the loss of her eldest child.

To those that dont believe her grief is real, they need to take a good hard look a themselves and their motives for what they post. And they should feel shame, shame and more shame.

I agree with you Diane - Kate's face always showed enormous grief after Madeleine went missing (and I saw it in Gerry's face too) - the ones that didn't see it probably didn't want to for they were convinced the parents were guilty.

i startedreading kates diary yesterday but just couldnt bring myself to read them all as i felt so emotional and sad, this poor women must be going through hell, i really feel for her. i can not for the life of me understand some of the anti,s do they not have an heart do they not see the pain in her eyes!! yes we all know they did a stupid thing leaving the kids in the apartment but that dont mean people have a write to kick them when they are down.

i really wish i could wrap my arms around kate and help ease her pain.

someone out there knows were madeleine is!! WHY oh WHY dont they speak up!! WHO or what are they affraid off!! this is a child for god sake PLEASE lets hope and pray she is found very soon, and that who ever holds her or who knows were she is will come forward and speak up.

Littleminx...you just hit the nail right on the head. The antis neither have a heart or the ability to see what stares them in the face.
But thank God the world has more people like you than it does people like them.

Now, this is a bit far fetched in a way yet relevant. When I was about 10 (45 years ago), my mum took me to see Ben Hur at the pictures. The ONLY thing I can remember is when they were all lined up (only a few of them on Ben Hurs' side) against a mighty army of evil buggers. I sat on the edge of my seat thinking oh no, he'll never get out of this one..
Ben and his mates were on a sort of ridge and the opposition were galloping like hell towards them firing their arrows left right and centre. Course, y'know what, old Harlty Cheston not only had a bod, but in this film, he had brains too. He got his blokes who were facing the sun to lift their metal shields and all the A's from the other side couldnt see 'cos they were blinded by the suns reflection. As a result the horses galloped straight into the ravine and they were all killed. I have always remembered tis when I have been bullied in life and y'know, it ALWAYS works !
Always remember ladies, Dignity and brains is all that is required to win over evil twats. They destroy themselves in their haste to destroy others simply because they have no strategy or intelligence. On the vm board, one pillock actually said "I only come on here for intellectual reasons" or something like that. What a blob of Lard
If they had one brain cell theyd use it to support Madeleine and thus include her lovely parents too. Bet they are fat ugly gits anyway. Kate is a beautiful woman. Theyre only jealous !
Kate, we are here for YOU as well as your Little Princess and Gerry and Sean and Amelie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Is this the same diary that the PJ reported had Kate saying she could not cope with Madeleine because she was Hyperactive. The only thing I read was that Kate could not cope with the hell of Madeleine being missing and the not knowing what had happened to her. The PJ are the most incompetent, insensitive b*****ds out, trying to discredit the McCanns because the had mucked up.

Well of course I agree with everything you have written in your post.

I had forgotten about the PJ saying this diary said Madeleine was hyperactive, where was that part?
In fat boy's head, along with all his other figments on imagination?

Thanks for reminding me of that Joany! IMO Amaral should be brought in for official questioning into his disgraceful behaviour and his police pension halted until he is investigated.

I am not going to shut up until this is done either! Just like all those months ago when I kept banging on about him and how he needed to be removed from the Madeleine case and his part in the Leonor Cipriano affair investigated and then eventually it was done (not that what I said made any difference of course - it just made me feel better)
Well am not going to stop going on about this either!

Hey Rod (Mr Portuguese National Police Director) when are you going to bring Goncalo Amaral in foe official questioning? Something isn't right here! You are Ex PJ you do not need us to spell this out for you!


So nice to see your name pop up Joany :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: I love your emails by the way, one of them got to me when I so needed it. You are a star! :sendingulove:

I read it was a PJ insider who gave Kate's Diary to the press as they did not like what was going on. :x well, you can't accuse the pj, particularly amoral amaral of telling the TRUTH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES..... no no not at all.

This creep amoral amaral has got away with so much for so long, I am worried .... as I read the 'famous five' trial was postponed.....!! WHY ? the trial of the 5 liars was due this month.

I can see no reason not to have this long planned trial for a charged group of liars, yet the other site was baying for blood from the McCanns who were NEVER CHARGED with anything, just made arguido....... The stench from this load of &&&& is sickening. I feel the trial has to be seen to go ahead. No reason whatsoever for it not to.

Anyone help me with this?????

I hope Amaral and his mates have a long long long time in jail to reflect on his next chip paper design ooops I mean 'book' which despite his boasts, has NOT BEEN PUBLISHED IN UK.

Even chips wouldn't want next to that load of bull.

How are you joany? Long time no hear. :D

The comment about Madeleine being hyper-active, along with the one about Gerry being more interested in tennis than helping out were NEVER in the genuine diary. They were exposed months ago as the fabrication of a Spanish journalist. Even the PJ had to put their hands up to this lie.

I find this absolutely heartbreaking. That poor woman you can feel her pain and desperation.
:( :( :( I hope and pray God answers soon and returns Maddie and the real person/s get caught.

Justice for Maddie….

joanypony wrote:Is this the same diary that the PJ reported had Kate saying she could not cope with Madeleine because she was Hyperactive. The only thing I read was that Kate could not cope with the hell of Madeleine being missing and the not knowing what had happened to her. The PJ are the most incompetent, insensitive b*****ds out, trying to discredit the McCanns because the had mucked up.

Hi Joanypony,

I read the diaries in the early hours of Sunday morning and was so emotional, as Kates' grief was tangible. I sat there weeping throughout - sometimes tears streaming down my face. I felt so overwhelmed at reading of Kate and Gerrys' pain, despair and the other host of emotions contained therein. I never looked at them in an analytical way and later that day, I could not face going back to read them again.

An excellent observation Joanypony

Here's some more truth about the lies.

THURSDAY, JULY 12: I hate the person who took my Madeleine—the same one who has caused all this trouble, who made us feel worthless and mistrustful and mainly who has frightened my beautiful Madeleine. I will never forgive that person/those people for this. Never.

Today I washed the Cuddle Cat (Madeleine’s favourite soft toy and a constant comfort to heartbroken Kate). I was hoping not to have to do it until Madeleine returns, but it was now quite dirty and smelly, unfortunately without the smell of Madeleine on it. XX

Thursday July the twelth. TWO MONTHS after the abduction. It was a well known fact that Kate took cuddlecat with her wherever she went, drawing comfort from holding the last thing known to have been held by Madeleine, smelling her 'scent'. But hold on, didn't the PJ try to convince us that Kate washed it the day after Madeleine's abduction? Now remember, this is Kates PERSONAL, PRIVATE diary. She never in a million years would have expected her words to be published and read by millions, so there is absolutly no question of her lying, or trying to pull the wool over anybodies eyes? The truth about the lies indeed. BIG, FAT, STINKING PJ LIES, that is.

vee8 wrote:Here's some more truth about the lies.

THURSDAY, JULY 12: I hate the person who took my Madeleine—the same one who has caused all this trouble, who made us feel worthless and mistrustful and mainly who has frightened my beautiful Madeleine. I will never forgive that person/those people for this. Never.

Today I washed the Cuddle Cat (Madeleine’s favourite soft toy and a constant comfort to heartbroken Kate). I was hoping not to have to do it until Madeleine returns, but it was now quite dirty and smelly, unfortunately without the smell of Madeleine on it. XX

Thursday July the twelth. TWO MONTHS after the abduction. It was a well known fact that Kate took cuddlecat with her wherever she went, drawing comfort from holding the last thing known to have been held by Madeleine, smelling her 'scent'. But hold on, didn't the PJ try to convince us that Kate washed it the day after Madeleine's abduction? Now remember, this is Kates PERSONAL, PRIVATE diary. She never in a million years would have expected her words to be published and read by millions, so there is absolutly no question of her lying, or trying to pull the wool over anybodies eyes? The truth about the lies indeed. BIG, FAT, STINKING PJ LIES, that is.

Well said Vee 8,

Another excellent observation.

Justice Amaral style - as you said Vee8, 'BIG, FAT, STINKING PJ LIES.'

They tried to convince the public they were guilty through these wicked and libellous smears and the evil types lapped them up and are still trying to milk them.

Portugal will for ever be associated with fat boy Amaral. I won't call him a man, he has not got the balls to be called a man, as no real man would have behaved the way he did and continues to do.

How right you are about Amaral..he has no balls. As I have always said... he is all mouth and no trousers.
As Rosie has already said..it is about time Amaral was taken in for questioning.

Amoral Amaral...whoever coined the phrase- brilliant!

I have to say though folks....this whole entire ordeal is looking much more like a police cover up in their organization than anything. Do you think it's possible that Amaral was behind this entire thing?
-The botched emergency call that mysteriously wasn't responsed to for hours
-The pathetic CSI work
-The attempts at framing the parents
-The rumours and outright lies about them (swingers etc)
-The constant media leaks whenever the Mcann's attempted to carry out a media event
-The book to divert attention from him and onto others

The list goes on and on and on.... I am seriously starting to wonder if the investigators are going to lead themselves right to that fat lard asses front door. I have always thought that this was an 'inside job'. I initially believed that it was someone inside the Ocean Club- a guest, hotel worker etc. But the reality is that it still could have been-except the key is that he/they were hired by fat lardy boy.
Disclaimer: Of course, these are my opinions. lol.


This is getting more and more alarming as the days go by.