Living in limbo: Two mums tell of the pain they share with Kate McCann .. the agony of not knowing

A terrible place to be

Kerry Grist, 35, is from Sheffield. Her 21-month-old son Ben vanished in the space of just a few minutes in Kos, Greece, in July 1991. This October he would be 18.


Not knowing is the hardest part. Kate McCann talks about limbo land and she's so right. It's a horrible, painful, unbearable place to be.

Every day I have a stabbing pain in my heart. It never fades. It's exactly the same today, just as agonising and just as raw as it was 16 years ago when Ben went missing.

If someone could tell me where he is, what he's doing, if he's OK, it would release some of that pain. But we don't know anything and that's what is so traumatic.

I live one day at a time. I try to make the best of my life, not least because of my daughter Leighanna who is now 13. She's my reason for living. But I can never make plans. It's like I live in a dream, one I can't wake up from.

I'm so sure Ben is still alive. I can't even consider any other scenario.

And as he gets older - he'll be 18 now - he's going to start asking questions, questions that whoever has him won't be able to answer.

That's what I cling to. I'll never give up looking for Ben but maybe he'll come looking for me. Maybe he'll find me.

That's why we need to keep up the search and the publicity all over the world, on websites, posters, in the papers. Ben might recognise himself, so we've got to carry on trying.

I know it's probably too much to hope that one day he'll come back into my life as my son. But just to know the truth and to know that he's safe would be enough.

I've been robbed of bringing up my child, of watching him grow and learn. And because we don't know what has happened to him, I can't lay anything to rest.

I have days of sheer devastation, days where I sob uncontrollably, days of utter frustration and days where I'm so angry I could scream. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall a lot of the time.

It tears your family apart. But you've got to be strong and I'll always stay positive. My determination to find Ben will never ever go away. Not even knowing if he's all right just kills me.

You can contact Kerry on.......... kezefs@hotmail.co.uk ..... or visit...... www.missingpersons.police.uk


We need closure

Nicki Durbin, 38, is from Hollesley, Suffolk. Her son Luke, now 20, has been missing since May 2006

I long for closure because hope is just destroying me. Closure wouldn't allow us to move on - I don't think you can ever move on from losing a child.

But it would be the next step of the nightmare and at least we wouldn't be left hanging like this any more.

Kate McCann's description of a life in limbo is exactly how I'm living now. This pain is like nothing I've ever experienced. And I also feel frustration that my hands are tied.

After everything we've been put through, the very least I should be allowed to do is mourn my child properly. I need to know what has happened to him.

I don't even know what tense to talk about my son in. It has been 15 months since Luke was last seen.

He walked out the front door laughing and looking forward to a night out with his friends.

He'd just started a new job at a deli and was being given lots of responsibility, which he was thriving on. He'd bought himself a motorbike and everything seemed perfect. He was happy.

Luke and his friends became separated after going into a club in Ipswich. Luke was later spotted on CCTV by the taxi rank. Believe me, I have watched that footage again and again. He didn't appear to be drunk - he wasn't swaying.

From there, he moved to the bus station... and that was where we have our last positive sighting of him. My daughter Alicia is 18 and she firmly believes that Luke is still alive. She'd rather hold on to that than discover the worst is actually true.

But I think he's too thoughtful, too considerate to let birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries pass by without getting in touch. It's so out of character.

I honestly believe that someone picked him up and now I don't think he'll be found alive.

It's dreadful for any parent when they lose a child. We've all been cheated. But when you don't even have a body, you feel cheated twice.

I remember screaming in the garden as the police were dragging the river. I wanted to give up on life. But I made a conscious decision that I wasn't going to.

Even now, everywhere I look, I see Luke. I was watching a young man and his girlfriend in the street the other day. They looked so in love.

My son is never going to have that. If Alicia has children they're going to miss out on having a great uncle.

I can still smell him, I can still feel his skin. I can't bear the thought that I'll never hug him again.

I'll never be able to tell him I love him, just one more time.

For more information about Luke, visit.................................. www.findluke.com

The two sad and tragic cases, explain why it is essential that the profile of those vanished and still missing is kept raised it is absolutely vital. The children missing have an absolute cast iron right to know who they are and where they have come from and what the circumstances are that led to the way their lives have gone.

Through reading this, you understand just why Kate and Gerry McCann have done what they have done regarding publicity. Through Madeleine, you begin to learn of the pain and suffering of other people and their struggle to keep their children and loved ones in the public eye after so long. I believe that one tiny little innocent girl and her parents has helped to raise the profile of missing and abused children everywhere.
Of course it is undeniable that no other child has received the attention that this one poor little innocent girl has, but this is not the fault of Madeleine or her parents, perhaps we are all to blame for this?
I know if God forbid I were ever in the position of the McCann's I would have done exactly the same, from the publicity to the fund raising.

I have been watching BBC TV's Missing Programme last week and the pain and suffering is palpable, but what rings loud and clear and true is that these people's sheer determination to carry on searching for their loved ones no matter what.

Any information you have about Madeleine, even if you have told it to the police before the McCann's want to hear from you again, in fact they are desperate to hear from you and what you to tell them what you have told the Portuguese or British police, or any other agency, please contact.....................

Call 0845 8384699

Do you have any photos or videos? Please upload them to

investigation@findmadeleine.com

Do you know something and don't want to or are too afraid of talking to the police? Speak to us (the McCann Team) confidentially on 0845 8384699 or

anonymous@findmadeleine.com

• Where you working there?
  Did you see something on the night of May 3rd 2007?
  Were you the victim of a similar incident?
  Your Confidentiality is guaranteed. PLEASE Call Us.
  Did you experience a similar or related occurrence in the last year?
  Do you know someone who was possibly involved?
  Do you know who committed the crime?
  Do you have other information as to Madeleine's whereabouts?
  Have you told the Portuguese police something you feel has been ignored? If so please tell us again.

This Appeal is to anyone that has been in touch with either the Portuguese or the British police with information, no matter how small or insignificant they think it is please contact us and tell us 'again'.

There is a reward for information leading to the safe return of our daughter Madeleine.
There is ALSO a reward for information that will help us. Please contact:

investigation@findmadeleine.com

Apparently she was on a bus with a friend and the friend told a daft joke. Kerry laughed and an old lady came up to her and shouted at her for laughing when her son was missing! Kerry said she hardly ever laughs and the one time she did she gets shouted at for it. Why don't people just butt out! It's unbelievable how people make someone else's laughing their business!

Sass, this is what makes me so angry, unless they have been in these peoples shoes, how dare they judge how someone should think or feel. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, or what grief is hidden behind a fleeting smile. I cannot think of anything worse than having to live with a lifetime of guilt & uncertainty. life can never be the same, in fact truth be known its not a life, from what Kerry has said it is just surviving from day to day and my heart goes out to each and every one of them.

That is absolutely heartbreaking for these parents. My heart goes out to all of them. How can people just disappear? It’s an absolute outrage – more must be done.

How the hell does that woman know what Kerry has gone through? Common sense should have told her that Kerry has never given up on her son and will never give up on him!

If you see pictures of people like Kerry or the McCann's, smiling or laughing, look into their eyes, the laughter or the smile never reaches them.

Tinks is right, these poor people do not have a life, they have a limbo and if they have other children then they have a reason to get up in the morning, if it were not for these other children I shudder to think what would become of them.

Just lately the photos and film I have seen of the McCann's has revealed them in utter bits, the dark shadows and the bags under their eyes and the absolute pain showing in their eyes is heart breaking.

How can this happen? How can this happen? How can children just disappear in this day and age with all this technology and cameras everywhere and mobile phones, it just doesn't make sense.

Something else I cannot understand is how people can let themselves be so inuhmane to others who have suffered such a terrible loss.

Hiya Everyone,
I Wasn't sure where to post this .. http://www.timesandstar.co.uk/home/1.102811 We must not allow evil to win us over
I found this report very uplifting .. just the way I did when I discovered your site xx

Take care
Janet
xx

thanks for the article, so thought provoking. I think the following sums up what we 'pro's' feel


'There are still people who simply cannot understand the hate and ignorance and evil behind the actions of the few.

And as long as we can still be horrified, we can afford to remain a little optimistic, even when our view of humanity is a bit tarnished.

As long as we can be horrified, we are capable of recognising evil.

And if we know evil, we know that the opposite is good. And while we know good, we will not let evil triumph - even though, over the last couple of weeks, it has tried its best.

Helen - those quotes are bang on!

I read this article yesterday and thought the same as you. It shows we are not alone, but we knew that. It is my opinion that most people support the McCanns in their search for Madeleine and their battle with the PJ but cannot understand leaving the children alone. I havent met anyone yet (except the nutjobs on the internet) who think the McCanns had anything to do with it. Even those who are deadset angry with them for leaving the children alone, are still horrified that Madeleine has not been found and think the PJ are incompetent or corrupt and are completely horrified at the wild accusations and lies being spread about the McCanns.

The internet gives a voice to those nutjobs that previously kept their thoughts to themselves and we cannot let it go unchallenged. We will continue to stand against it. It is sad that it has taken the abduction of a beautiful little girl for me to realise the extent of the deranged people that are on the internet. I had no idea it existed, and I suspect that neither to most other people. It is articles such as this that will show the general public just how bad people will behave when they think they are anonymous. We need to protect society against them.

My mum was absolutely shocked by the card that was read out by Gerry. I showed it to her on the internet. She just couldnt believe that people think these things, let alone write them in a public place.